[原创]The Tranquil Night

KK07

I woke up at a quiet night
  To meet the moon light flowed on my balcony
I stepped to the silver light
  To feel the breeze pervaded my entity

Accompanied by the cloud floated the moon
   Pursuing a new day across the mirror
Engaged with the tranquility hung my mood
   Pondering the future over the shadow

With the wind
   Would lonely the cloud felt?
With the cloud
    Would lost the moon left?

Without the cloud
   as is before the moon walks
While without the wind
   to you my memory fades

2008/05/04

                       THE NGHT

                THE IGHT                                         

                              NOT CLOD

[ 本帖最后由 KK07 于 2008-5-5 00:05 编辑 ]

KK07

估计这次又是看懂的少··· ····

wuhan

1. Accompanied by the  could floated the moon
spelling mistake: "could"--- "cloud"
"floated" better changed into "floating"


2. Engaged with the tranquil hung my mood
   tranquil  a.  maybe you can use the noun form:  tranquillity
   Again, "hung"  better changed into "hanging"

In general, you did a good job~

KK07

原帖由 wuhan 于 2008-5-4 23:54 发表
1. Accompanied by the  could floated the moon
spelling mistake: "could"--- "cloud"
"floated" better changed into "floating"


2. Engaged with the tranquil hung my mood
   tranquil  a.  ma ...

"floated" better changed into "floating"

The word order should be rechanged in order to read and understand, so that
change "Accompanied by the cloud floated the moon"
  into"Accompanied by the cloud the moon floated "

in this case
"moon" would be the subject and "floated" is OK.
The same goes with "hung".

Thanks for WeiWei's suggestion!

KK07

薇薇不要光挑语法问题啦~~~

整首诗歌，怎么看？···

wuhan

原帖由 KK07 于 2008-5-5 00:02 发表
薇薇不要光挑语法问题啦~~~

整首诗歌，怎么看？···

再仔细读读~

走失的亭亭

真要命啊~~
以我的英文水平，能读懂，但难以领会当中的意境
雪儿，原谅我

wuhan

Well i should say you pay too much attention on the rhyme, thus some places are a bit confusing:

我在寂静的夜晚醒来
看着月光洒满整个阳台
走进这一片银色的光亮~
感受微风将我身心包围...

云彩有了月儿的陪伴
...( Pursuing a new day across the mirror..?)的意思是 "月亮透过镜子追逐新的一天的到来?"
Then you may change the word "across" into "through"
otherwise, i can not figure out how the moon (or maybe you refer to the moonlight?) across the mirror!

Besides,What do you mean by writing this sentense
"With the cloud
    Would lost the moon left?"

Maybe you can continue to finish the Chinese version to help more friends appreciate you poem.

wuhan

原帖由 走失的亭亭 于 2008-5-5 00:20 发表
真要命啊~~
以我的英文水平，能读懂，但难以领会当中的意境
雪儿，原谅我

亭亭~  
不要紧哈
叫雪儿翻译给你听~

怕高的甜食

有点头大.......
哈哈.不过我感觉整首诗感觉还是不错的.... 在配上图片很漂亮哈.